Ending the negativity

I've realised lately that I'm actually not as recovered as I thought I was. 

I've written several posts - about five, in fact - that I have decided not to post as they were just so negative. 

This isn't what I wanted this blog to be about at all. I'm confused about everything.

There is no need for another blogger out there who posts negative things or talks all about their ED, or seems to "encourage" the idea... I wanted this blog to be about being fit, healthy and happy - not counting calories and being unhappy - which is really the place I am at. I hate reading other blogs and seeing that people think they are better, when really they are not. It just makes me sad.

One thing that made me realise I am not recovered was how hard Christmas was for me. It wasn't that I was forced to eat anything I didn't want to, but I was constantly on edge and bit my whole family's head off with my attitude. They were mad at me for it. I did not enjoy Christmas at all.

I have made an appointment with a dietician, but I couldn't get in until the end of January. I don't know what the problem is, exactly... I'm not anorexic or bulimic as before, but I seem to be leaning much more towards the orthorexic ways and it's just not cool. I also think the fact that I've been quite depressed plays a big part, and eating healthy is something else to focus on. It's completely complicated by so many other factors!!

But as I said, I don't want this blog to be about that. So from now on, expect an end to the negativity - it means I will post much less, most likely - and a return to posts about my passions in life - running & kickboxing. I suppose that will become easier next year when I start doing more races.

I think I will make a start to posting positive posts soon, perhaps with some more "things that make me happy" type posts.

WIAW #9 - getting back to healthier eating.

As I've mentioned in my previous post, I spent the last two weeks in the bush eating very processed food and doing no exercise, so today's and yesterday's food has been an attempt to return to my usual diet. I think after eating crappy food for two weeks it's been a little more difficult than I anticipated - I've actually craved two minute noodles!

Anyway here's some new things I found at the store today - MAN did I miss grocery shopping - plus it was like CHRISTMAS with all these exciting new products.

Rice crackers, a healthy cookie (fruit & nut) and caramel rice cakes in SINGLE SERVES! Awesome...

Chai Latte sachets in berry flavour. I plan to probably mix these up with some oats rather than drink them ;)

Um, this doesn't fit the "healthier eating" bill, but I have never seen this in Australian supermarkets so it had to be bought, and had to be sampled as soon as I came home - with a spoon.

OK, so here's what I ate today:

BREAKFAST:

Banana protein sachet + 5 or 6 frozen raspberries + sprinkle of oats + greek yoghurt.

SNACK 1

RAW food bar - spirulina & cashew + 

My favourite iced tea guzzled in the car on the way to the shops.

LUNCH:

Salad made with leftovers: Couscous salad, some mince, a boiled egg, a sprinkling of feta cheese, baby spinach, peas, cherry tomatoes, carrot, asparagus.

The cherry tomatoes in my backyard have gone mental:

This is a much bigger bowl than it looks like... and there's still a bowl's worth on the bush that I couldn't be bothered picking!! They taste AMAZING, like candy almost...

SNACK 2:

Banana with PB + an unpictured apple.

My unhealthy vice. No matter how many times I want to quit, it never happens...

What I worked: Nothing yet... I'm still trying to get my mojo back after two weeks of inactivity :( Hopefully I'll have the energy / motivation to go for a run later on. If not I won't beat myself up about it.

In the meantime... anyone have any good recipes for mountains of tomatoes?

Challenging myself.

So I'm back from my two week trip into the bushes of Australia. As per the previous post on Introversion, it was not all sunshine and roses. Far from it.
The challenges I thought I would have the trouble with was eating unhealthy food and not being able to exercise. In reality the most trouble I had revolved around being bored and dealing with an extremely arrogant, chauvinistic pig who was basically a "workplace bully".

The food challenge went really, really well though. I ended up eating m & ms a couple of times, usually a forbidden type of food. Takeaway pizza one night. Went out for dinner twice - once I ordered steak with fries and ate them all, another time I had deep fried zucchini "balls" (with salad). I also went out drinking with the boys - after which I had bacon and eggs. I also ate the most forbidden food of them all in my mind - a donut. The good part about it though, is that while I felt guilty each time I ate these unhealthy foods, I did not beat myself up about it (too much) or dwell on it to a large degree.

I was not able to work off anything I ate. We were not allowed to wear anything but our uniform and as I only had two pairs and we had no access to showers.... yeah. It would have also been too difficult as we couldn't leave the small square area of bush we were based in, so unless I ran 100 m back and forth!! I decided to just use the two weeks as a break / rest. Although I suspect it will be VERY difficult to get back into it all. It always is after a break! My plan tomorrow is to go for an easy run and just see how I feel, run as many k's as my legs feel good for.

The weirdest part of all? After eating rubbish food and doing NO exercise for two weeks... I lost 1.6 kilos (3.6 pounds). Honestly, every time I do something like this, I ALWAYS lose weight. It's really confusing and frustrating. While I know when I'm away I don't count calories and tend to eat a little more intuitively, it still doesn't seem to make sense that I can eat food with no nutritional value and generally treat my body in a crappier way yet it responds with weight loss. Then I go back home and return to my normal ways and it comes back on.

I usually either respond by attempting to eat more intuitively when I get home (usually backfires and ends up with weight gain) or increase my calories to match what I thought I was eating when away (usually ends up with weight gain too). Hopefully it's not muscle loss or something, and that's the reason why I always lose when I go away somewhere and then it returns when I resume exercising. Hmm... curious.

I will be back tomorrow with a WIAW post. I'm probably going to be eating some sort of "detox" kind of foods. I'm not into the whole detox thing, but basically I mean getting back to eating healthier wholesome foods to rid my body of all the processed rubbish I've been eating. Had a lunch for my grandma's birthday today and there was lots of salad and fruit salad, so that was a great start. I missed fresh food!!!

November Goals.

1. Eat more vegetables.

You would be surprised how little vegetables I actually eat. Considering I am an ex (sometimes questionable?) ED sufferer and 95% of what I eat is super healthy, I still don't consume enough vegetables! I'm a little paranoid about them actually... when I was eating super massive amounts in the past with my purely vegetable lunches, I had really bad gas.

2. Run 100 km in November.

I ran 75 km in October, so I'm upping the ante for November. Shouldn't be too difficult.

3. Do one thing each week to get myself out of my comfort zone. This can be anything - food related, social related, exercise related, whatever!

As for my October goals? I don't think I thought them out very well! They were:

1. Reduce the amount of coffee / diet coke I drink - this didn't happen. I drank only one diet coke a week the first three weeks, then had like four in the last week!

2. Prepare my lunch for the week on the weekend - this wasn't necessary as I only had one teaching week left, and the rest I was at home!

3. Actually schedule me-time that isn't exercise related into my study schedule, rather than procrastinating being my me-time - managed this one, though!

Fitness... & Alcohol

I'm debating taking a blogging break, even though I only started a couple of months ago. I'm just in a funk a lot and negativity is no fun. But before that, I'm going to blog a bit of a fitness survey and then rant about alcohol. 

Five Fitness Things I can’t Live Without:

• My Nike Lunarglide +2, they are the comfiest running shoes I've ever had, they have great support and fit my feet so well, plus they are pretty haha.
• My iPhone - so I can use Runkeeper and log my runs and see where I'm struggling, where I'm doing well, etc... gives pacing, km's, calories, speed, etc.
• Decent running shorts. I've got two pairs of Nike tempo and a couple of Running Bare shorts that are fantastic. Definitely a good pair is underestimated, as if you're not wearing them... shorts ride up, get sweaty, all that kind of thing... a worthy investment methinks.
• I'm actually struggling to think of five. OK, hair ties. I can't stand my hair flying all over the place.
• Good sports bra for support, even though I don't need much ;P

Most Embarrassing Song I Listen to While Working Out:

• Hm, Pitbull - Shut it Down... lol... it played a lot in BodyPump for a while I think and I started to like it. Same with "Ravers in the UK". 

Favorite Pre-Workout Snack or Meal:

• It changes, I don't have a go-to... sometimes I'll have a banana, sometimes jam on bread, it depends on what I'm doing. Most of the time I'll go before breakfast though or a couple of hours after breakfast, so it's not an issue.

On My Fitness Bucket List:

• Run a half-marathon
• Run a full marathon
• Join a running club (There's a huge lack where I live, though, so will be a 30 min + drive...)
• Do well in the kickboxing tournament
• Try all the classes at the gym I haven't tried yet
• (There is LOADS more on my fitness bucket list...)

Must-Have Tech Tools:

• See above, the iPhone! or if I didn't have that, I'd probably get a Garmin.

Top Exercise Gear:

• This is pretty much the same as my gear I can't live without...

Motivational Mantras:

• I don't have any - maybe I should get some!!

Next Big Exercise Goal:

• At the moment just increasing my mileage up to the point where I can run 30+ km a week, but doing it as slowly as possible without making myself crazy ;)

Favorite Cardio Exercise:

• running, kickboxing... they kinda tie.

Favorite Strength Move:

• pushups, funnily enough.

ALCOHOL

I so had all these ideas to say about alcohol this morning while sitting on the train, and should have blogged then. OK, so basically I used to drink when I was 20-21 ish. Not a lot, but whenever I would go to parties it would ease my anxiety, and I was able to interact with people in a way I definitely couldn't before. Instead of being the shy girl that never talked, I turned into a crazy, fun, hyperactive person who would talk to ANYBODY and everyone thought I was funny and entertaining. That could have been something which turned into an addiction for me as I have an addictive personality, but it ended up just being left like that... something I did at the occasional party.

As my social anxiety started to get better and I started to talk to people on my own without alcohol, I started to dislike alcohol more and more, and wonder why people even drink, especially if they don't have social anxiety issues? I tried to quit, but gave into peer pressure most of the time, and ended up acting stupid a lot and regretting it.

Then the eating disorder came, and all of a sudden I had so many great excuses not to drink, not to go to parties, not to see my friends... so I stopped.

Anyway fast forward to now... I drink probably 1 or 2 times a year, feel intense guilt each time and tend to restrict the next day. I also get disgustingly, intensely ill from even the smallest amount of alcohol. You could say that's just what happens when you get older, but I mean it's ridiculous. So I went to see my friends on Saturday night, and it was like impossible not to drink. It's so ingrained in Australian culture, and all the things I do - skydivers are pretty much alcoholics, and they've known me to be a drinker in the past. So how could I not accept their "gifts" of beers, which they paid for, as a "welcome back" sort of gift? Wow I'm good at getting off drift... I'll come back to that though.

Anyway so Saturday night I had a grand total of three beers. I had a meal of roast beef with potatoes, peas, beans and pumpkin. I drank water before my first beer, after my first beer, and after my second beer. I then took a 600mL bottle to bed with me and sculled it. I did ALL THE RIGHT THINGS. I was not drunk, was barely even tipsy.

Sunday night I wake up with a horrendous headache, throbbing like a heartbeat. I feel sick to the stomach as if I've been up all night downing vodka or something deadly, and I spend the entire day lying on the couch with an icepack on my head groaning. It was ridiculous! All that from three beers. So henceforth I am completely and utterly off the booze. If it can make your body react like that from only three drinks, how can one drink supposedly be good for you?

So back to the culture thing. I hate that Australian culture is so, so, so RUN around the culture of drinking. Every weekend... have a barbecue - with drinks. Go to the beach - with drinks. Have a party - with drinks. Catch up with mates - over a drink. Go to a mate's house for the night - have drinks. Watch the footy - have drinks. Australia Day - let's get drunk. Christmas - drinks at the beach. You get the idea. Every event quickly turns into an excuse to drink. It's not healthy and something needs to be done about it.

Skydiving is similar - you do something for the first time, you owe a "carton" of beer to your friends. It's good in a way, in that it encourages you to get to know people and celebrates something new, all that kind of thing. But why with booze? Why does everything centre around booze?

This is one of the reasons why I am studying Health Promotion. There needs to be more done to reduce the prevalence of it, or perhaps encourage more activity without alcohol - like ads on TV or something, "Go for a jog with a friend" instead of "catch up for drinks" on the weekend. That kind of thing...

WOW, seriously gone on a rant now... and there's more I could say too... in fact I could probably go on for ages ;P

In other news - today I had my first exam and am confident of passing. One down, two to go...