Ending the negativity

I've realised lately that I'm actually not as recovered as I thought I was. 

I've written several posts - about five, in fact - that I have decided not to post as they were just so negative. 

This isn't what I wanted this blog to be about at all. I'm confused about everything.

There is no need for another blogger out there who posts negative things or talks all about their ED, or seems to "encourage" the idea... I wanted this blog to be about being fit, healthy and happy - not counting calories and being unhappy - which is really the place I am at. I hate reading other blogs and seeing that people think they are better, when really they are not. It just makes me sad.

One thing that made me realise I am not recovered was how hard Christmas was for me. It wasn't that I was forced to eat anything I didn't want to, but I was constantly on edge and bit my whole family's head off with my attitude. They were mad at me for it. I did not enjoy Christmas at all.

I have made an appointment with a dietician, but I couldn't get in until the end of January. I don't know what the problem is, exactly... I'm not anorexic or bulimic as before, but I seem to be leaning much more towards the orthorexic ways and it's just not cool. I also think the fact that I've been quite depressed plays a big part, and eating healthy is something else to focus on. It's completely complicated by so many other factors!!

But as I said, I don't want this blog to be about that. So from now on, expect an end to the negativity - it means I will post much less, most likely - and a return to posts about my passions in life - running & kickboxing. I suppose that will become easier next year when I start doing more races.

I think I will make a start to posting positive posts soon, perhaps with some more "things that make me happy" type posts.

Merry Christmas!!

Merry Christmas all!! :)

Not going to lie, I love christmas, presents, the christmas spirit... but it's this time of the year that both the social anxiety (family get-togethers) and ED thoughts hit pretty hard!
Here's hoping for a better Christmas this year and not letting negative thoughts ruin things.
Hope everyone has some good times planned and is not struggling with their own thoughts too much over the Christmas break to stop their enjoyment :)

Out of the comfort zone

Just a quick post to say I'll probably be AWOL for the next two weeks as I'm going out bush with work, leaving tomorrow. I have no idea what kind of access to the internet I'll have (probably none!).

It will have its benefits though - I likely won't be able to complete my goal of 100 km running for November because of this (Currently at 40 km, probably doing 10k tomorrow), but I WILL be able to complete the goal of getting out of my comfort zone for the entire time. I will have absolutely no control over the food I have access to, and likely will have no chance to exercise at all (Unless I do situps in my sleeping bag or something!!). I will also know NOBODY at all. Kind of an eating disordered / social anxiety person's nightmare, right?? Exactly why I should be doing it! Plus I get $...

I'm flying to the capital of Australia (Canberra) for this, so hopefully if I'm lucky I'll get a short amount of time to sightsee, as last time I was there I was 2 years old :)

Anyway, I will be back to stalk everyone's two week's worth of blog posts soon! Ciao!

Oh - I was going to mention, for those of you in the US - check out Earndit, it's a site that rewards you for your workouts. You get points for everything you do and then can cash them in for rewards - there's clothes, food and stuff. I've been a member for a while and have heaps of points but can't cash them in because most of the stuff is US only. I'm staying a member though because one day there might be something I can get, haha - and then I'll be rolling in the points!

Perfectionism.

I'm bored, and I hate it. I hate having nothing on my to-do list that's productive to do. I've been on holidays now from university for a week and a half. I've got my haircut, been to the doctor's, got my car fixed, moved into my brother's old room, cleaned, baked, went grocery shopping, went window shopping, played The Sims 3, and socialised.

I have a long list of other things to do but most of them are exercise related, and it's supposed to be a rest day. I don't actually feel like having one, but I didn't have one for the entirety of last week and last night at kickboxing I was feeling kind of unfit and almost overtrained, and when I got home my shin hurt.

I feel good today but I'm taking last night as a sign to rest up... but I feel guilty for it, ugh! I'm not sure it's eating disorder related though - I think it's perfectionism related.

I was reading a blog the other day where someone talked about perfectionism and I looked up the exact definition on Wikipedia and the entire thing describes me, to a T!:

Particularly these points:

"people who strain compulsively and unremittingly toward impossible goals and who measure their own worth entirely in terms of productivity and accomplishment"

procrastination, fear of failure, the all-or-nothing mindset

Perfectionists can suffer anxiety and low self-esteem. Perfectionism is a risk factor for obsessive compulsive personality disorder, eating disorders, social anxiety, social phobia, body dysmorphic disorder, workaholism, self harm, and clinical depression as well as physical problems like chronic stress, and heart disease 

<--- hello! Personally suffered from low-self esteem, eating disorders, social anxiety AND depression in the past.

It's interesting, reading that made me wonder if I'm actually able to relax properly, the way a "normal" person might. The first day of my uni holidays I was all over the house, unable to relax, couldn't sit still, and was mad that I slept in (7.30 am). "I've wasted half the day!" I said to my mum. So what? It's not like I needed to be anywhere, or really had to do anything.

Then I tried to "drag out" the things on my to do list that I needed done over my four month break. (Isn't that a ridiculously long break?) But it's been a week and I've done 90% of them already. I feel lost without things on a to-do list that must be done, especially on a rest day. This is how I felt on Sunday until I went for my run, then I felt infinitely better, because I had DONE something, I had achieved something for the day - I had worked out.

I feel horribly guilty if I go one day where I haven't achieved anything at all. Why can't I just spend a day relaxing, watching TV, reading and doing absolutely nothing without it just being a chilled out affair?????? THAT makes me mad.

I look at my to-do list daily to try and find something new and productive to do, but all that's actually on it now is lazy stuff like "sort out pile of magazines" and "read a book" (or exercise related ideas).

I'm one of those people that simply could not go on a holiday where the idea is to chill out by the pool and tan. I would seriously go crazy. I need to be doing something all the time, busy, seeing the world.

To give an example, here are the lists I currently have (just the ones stored on my computer / blog):

Study schedule

Things to do on 4 month break

Things to do today

Things to do this week

101 goals in 1001 days

November goals

Stuff to bake

Stuff to blog

Stuff to buy.

I imagine I'm not alone in this, though. I imagine most people who have suffered an eating disorder, depression or anxiety in the past probably feel similar. 

The question is, how do you change this thinking so that you can relax and be happy with not being perfect at things? I've always been one of those people who is OK at everything - never really bad at something, never really great at something and I guess that I just want to find just one something that I'm really good at. Maybe if I find that the perfectionism will calm down?

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EDIT: I apologise for the fact that a lot of my blogging lately is so negative!! I am generally not that negative a person, just a couple of things I've been thinking about lately needed venting... and I thought others might be able to relate. Positivity returning at some point, hopefully.

Also, I'd love to see more people join up with me on dailymile, if you have accounts. My dailymile account here. I get quite a kick out of seeing different people's workouts and learning from what they do.

November Goals.

1. Eat more vegetables.

You would be surprised how little vegetables I actually eat. Considering I am an ex (sometimes questionable?) ED sufferer and 95% of what I eat is super healthy, I still don't consume enough vegetables! I'm a little paranoid about them actually... when I was eating super massive amounts in the past with my purely vegetable lunches, I had really bad gas.

2. Run 100 km in November.

I ran 75 km in October, so I'm upping the ante for November. Shouldn't be too difficult.

3. Do one thing each week to get myself out of my comfort zone. This can be anything - food related, social related, exercise related, whatever!

As for my October goals? I don't think I thought them out very well! They were:

1. Reduce the amount of coffee / diet coke I drink - this didn't happen. I drank only one diet coke a week the first three weeks, then had like four in the last week!

2. Prepare my lunch for the week on the weekend - this wasn't necessary as I only had one teaching week left, and the rest I was at home!

3. Actually schedule me-time that isn't exercise related into my study schedule, rather than procrastinating being my me-time - managed this one, though!

October Goals & September recap

So here's the goals I had for September, and how I went...

1. Eat something which offers little to no nutritional value once a week 

Had chocolate caramel slice, hot potato chips, a giant sugary muffin and actually loads of stuff on my week away bushwalking... since I didn't have control... and it was OK!

Kinda failed at the rest of these... I think it was kind of hard with the week away and actually starting my goals 10 days into September! Plus cleaning my car is not really a priority!

2. I will complete 2 strength workouts a week - (minus the week away)

3. I will actually follow the 100 pushup plan!

4. I will clean my car... been putting this one off too long :)

So I'm setting some easier goals for October:

1. Reduce the amount of coffee / diet coke I drink - get down to 1 coffee every two days, 1 diet coke a week.

2. Prepare my lunch for the week on the weekend.

3. Actually schedule me-time that isn't exercise related into my study schedule, rather than procrastinating being my me-time.

And that should do it!

So in September I:

Challenged ED thoughts by eating things that had no nutritional value.

Tried pumpkin oats and kombucha

Went for a 90km bushwalk in the beautiful South West of Australia

Beat my 5km personal best time

Rediscovered my love of kickboxing

Wow, it really gives you a boost writing it all out like that and seeing what you've achieved!! 

Oh, and here's this week's plan:

SAT (today): bodypump & yoga

SUN: 6k run

MON: swim?

TUES: run 3km OR spinning (pretty sure you can guess which I will pick..)

WED: weights/bodypump & kickboxing

THURS: swim & kickboxing

FRI: rest

SAT: Run 8km

It will probably change though... it always does!

Wiaw #5 + kickboxing + survey!

Breakfast: Chocolate Protein Powder, frozen raspberries, strawberries, soy milk and oats. Chocoberry.. mmm.

Three of these - coffee

apple!

Two lots of the above for lunch... which I still feel full from at 5.45pm :( Must have put too much almond butter on... or bread overload... but that bread is amazing... four seeds - poppyseed, sesame seed, linseed and I dunno what the fourth is, but it's yummy.

I also had one of these pumpkin muffins.

Today I spent most of the day trying to study but failing miserably because the whole house smells like paint, and every time I tried to escape the painter he'd come in and paint a door or windowsill in that room, and my head hurt!! So I went out like three times... shopping, the gym, and then back to my old kickboxing gym - who had a "50% off for old members" deal!! SOOO... I signed up! Kickboxing was my first passion... I've had to leave several times.. 1st time moved house... second time.. I was in the depths of the ED and I just couldn't do it. It's a pretty high intensity sport and I was failing abysmally at keeping up, and it looked like I wasn't putting any effort in.. but honestly I just had no energy! Plus with all the fibre I was eating from copious amounts of vegetables - had a baaaaad gas situation and it was embarrassing.

Here is a picture of me in the last tournament I participated in before leaving. I really struggled with this one, I felt so weak, and all I could think about the whole time was how much calories I was burning. I no longer enjoyed the sport in the same way and was thinking about the calories. It totally killed it!

So I'm pretty excited to be going back :) I don't know how I'm going to manage with two passions - running & kickboxing, but I'm sure it will work out! haha. Plus who can pass up 50% off?!?!

What I worked: 30 mins elliptical, 10 min treadmill (just a walk, I'm sore from yesterday!) so I probably won't kickbox tonight 'coz of that... as much as I want to... or will I... arrgh.

And... here's a survey just to fill out the entry with some goodness.

1: What’s your favorite type of running shoe?

I stuck with Asics for a while, but have since moved to Nike Lunarglide +2 (bought them just before +3 came out, bummer!!) and they are fantastic, so I may be a convert...

2: Do you run to music? If yes, what’s you’re favorite song to run to?

It depends on the situation... most of the time I have my iPod app Runkeeper logging the run as I go, so I put music on with it... I'm pretty happy running without though. Favourite songs?? Prodigy - Breathe, Voodoo People, Out of Space, Pendulum - Watercolour, Witchcraft, The Island, Propane Nightmares and Plasticworld. Ok - let's just say most Prodigy or Pendulum. They're so upbeat and really get me going when I struggle!! 

3: Do you run in a gym or outdoors?

Waaaay prefer outdoors, I even love running in the rain - but I like doing intervals on the treadmill because outdoors I always go way too hard and am sore for days! Easier to regulate myself on the tready...

4: Do you bring a sports drink or water out with you when you run?

No, but I never really go for too much longer than an hour... if I did I would consider it. I drink a lot of water during the day so it's not usually an issue.

5: How many miles can you run without breaking?

Probably not a lot. I did a 14k at the start of the year without break, although at some points my running was almost walking speed ;)

6: Do you prefer long, mid or short distance running?

The longest I've done is 14k and really enjoyed it, but I do really enjoy a quick, short run around the block if I'm short for time... I still have yet to decide this!

7: How long have you been running?

Pretty much May 2010 was when I got "serious". Where has it been all my life????!

8: What do you think about when you run?

I don't really know... if I'm trying to improve my pacing I say "1,2,1,2,1,2" in my head... but mostly just random stuff, I guess... what I'm going to do later, how I'm feeling, blah blah...

9: Do you run when you’re emotional?

Absolutely, it's a great pick me up!

10: Have you noticed any changes in your life since you started running?

Everything... I'm happier, healthier, more confident, I now think about food as "how can it fuel my running" and every other exercise I do "how can this help my running"... even when I take the stairs instead of the escalator (which I've always done anyway) I think about how it's helping my running! :)

11: Do you stretch?

I'm trying to get better at this.... but sometimes I forget!

12: Do you plan your day around your run or your run around your day?

At the moment I have to plan my run around my day... my schedule changes a lot due to uni, work and that kind of thing so I usually make a plan at the start of the week and then change it throughout or even daily... I wish I could find a way to be more consistent!!

13: Do you run with someone else?

Pretty much always alone... I can't keep up with most people! Although I'm thinking of giving it a go in the future...

14: What motivates you to run?

Fitness, fun, the feeling afterwards, being outdoors, being healthy, losing weight, to beat previous times, getting my vitamin D, getting away from the house, stress relief, mood improvement... you name it, it's a reason :)

15: Are you surprised with how well you run?

Haha. I wish! I'm more often disappointed with how I go...

16: Do you run marathons/races/both?

I've been doing City 2 Surf for three years now, which is a 12 k race, but I mostly have done it in the past to "participate" and be part of it because it was fun being out there with so many people... hopefully soon I'll actually race it properly. Just gotta work on the speed... also planning half marathon next year, and maybe some 5ks!

17: What’s your best mile time?

I've only ever run 1 mile exactly once (since we mostly use km's in Australia) and my time was 9.15... that was at the start of boot camp! So pretty slow ;)

18: Do you run to keep fit or keep fit to run?

Both... I love keeping fit but at the same time all the other exercise I do is to benefit my running.

19: Do you prefer to run in heat or in cold?

The cold, but in fairness, it never really gets that cold where I live. Even on the coldest mornings, you could still get away with shorts and a t-shirt and be warm enough once you get going.

20: Is it hard for you to get out of the house to run?

No, I find it way easier to just grab some shoes and leave than to drive off to the gym (where there's never any parking) and do other workouts!!!

21: Do you ever regret not running?

I wish I'd started many years earlier...

22: Do you keep a record of your running times?

Yep, I use Runkeeper to log my runs, and also keep a note in my 'little black book'. Just ordered a Runner's World one off Amazon though... although it's taking forever to get here...

23: Do you have a running idol?

Sweet Tooth Runner & XCFoodie make me jealous with their speed, and I love their passion for it!!!

24: Does anyone else in your family run?

My brother did couch to 5k and then stopped running (not sure why? think he prefers cycling...), otherwise nobody else!!

25: Are you currently trying to become a better runner?

Always!

26: Do you run when you have nothing else to do?

I never have nothing else to do! But occasionally I go on an impromptu run...

27: How often do you run?

3 days a week at the moment, slowly increasing.

28: What is your biggest running-related dream?

I'm just looking short-term at the moment since I'm still really a beginner... I haven't been consistent enough for long enough. So my first goal is to do a 5km run in 25 minutes or less. Then we'll see how I go... half-marathon is in there too though.

29: Will you run for the rest of your life or just until you become what you want?

Hopefully the rest of my life!

30: What are your favorite exercises to team with running?

Swimming!

Intuitive Eating

I forget what blog I read it on, but I have been trying - sort of - to eat intuitively. It's been failing most of the time, because I still count calories. But today I attempted to follow it by buying this monster:

It's a chocolate chip muffin with sugar granules on top. I was in line for a coffee to dull my hunger as it was only 9.30 am, when I saw one of these... I'd always looked at them and told myself no, too many calories, made with butter, flour and sugar - three things I usually avoid if possible. A fear food, if you must. So today I thought... I'm going to get one. Must find out if they are as good as they look. (The pic doesn't do it justice...) Anyway, it was ok. Wasn't fantastic, but wasn't bad either. It reminded me why I don't like floury buttery sugary muffins - because I get that weird feeling on my tongue afterwards! Mostly nobody knows what I'm talking about when I say that, so I don't expect people to...

The other thing - I felt guilty every single bite I took, but I still ate the entire thing. I also denied myself lunch by eating it, which ended up being OK as I wasn't hungry for lunch anyway.

How does one get past the guilt and just try to enjoy the food because you like the taste? Instead of going "I will only eat something high calorie if it offers nutritional benefits / I enjoy it immensely". Instead of eating it and then bingeing because you feel guilty, or denying yourself healthier food because it's then too many calories? How do you eat something just because, and then continue on with your day as if it didn't matter?

Yes, I'm still not really "normal" in my eating habits, yet I'm very close to the BMI of overweight. I don't know how to lose weight without counting calories (even though that's still not working!). If I try to intuitively eat, I tend to go overboard and think I can eat anything, so I eat like crazy and gain weight. I don't know what the solution is, so I'm just going to keep counting calories... wow, did that paragraph make any sense?? Anyway onto some pics because I am rambling...

Here's what I had for breakfast today... two pieces of wholemeal bread with ricotta cheese, pear and a couple of raisins. Was delicious!

Here's a pic of the weird oaty banana coconut slice thing I made.

These are slightly amazing.

I have some plans for some baking this weekend, as well as copious amounts of study...

First what I ate Wednesday...

Breakfast: Leftover quinoa with soy milk, cinnamon and a sprinkling of nuts. I know the pic looks gross... and actually it kinda wasn't the greatest combination, but... ok, yeah, it wasn't great. Needed some kind of sweetness!

Snack: teeny tiny banana with cashew butter and a sprinkling of cinnamon (love the stuff...)

Snack 2: Handful of nuts and seeds and raisins (sultanas? I can never tell the difference) ... mmmm.

Snack 3: I LOOOOVE THESE.... so yum.

Annnd an apple, Royal Gala to be precise.

Here's lunch - more leftover quinoa mixed with a leftover homemade soup (pumpkin), then a four bean mix, some vegie sausages (chickpea & spinach) and a dollop of tomato chutney. It was delicious.

Still hungry after lunch... so made myself up some greek yoghurt with raspberries.

Oh, and there may have been two of these coffees... real exciting photo :P

I'm not going to post dinner since I'm not comfortable taking photos of it in front of my parents :P But I think dad's planning on cooking up Venison sausages... believe it's a red wine and garlic flavour... also there will probably be more snacks.. just saying. I eat a lot.

Boot camp was good this morning... noticed I'm actually getting better at burpees! Plus there was lots of sprinting which made me happy, and it wasn't too freezing. (Why did I begin this in the middle of winter???)

Uni is getting really stressful. I'm not doing nearly as well as last semester and it's really getting me down. I'm kind of an all or nothing person, and since I feel like I'm not doing well, I'm finding it hard to get motivated to study. It's almost like, why bother now, I'm not going to do as well as I wanted!! I'm feeling really behind but nothing I do seems to catch me up.

On a random note, I watched this last night: True Life - "I have an eating disorder".

It's an episode of True Life on three people with an eating disorder (obviously..?. It was so, so interesting, and really... full on, they really went right into these people's lives and their deepest thoughts - which was what made it such a good episode. I found myself relating to the boy the most (who, on a side note, was totally hot...)

Erm... yep that's all I've got, I better go get myself motivated for more uni work.

Today I feel fat and gross. I tried on some clothes and looked in the full-length mirror, and three weeks of boot camp, I swear, has made me fatter. I'm not more toned or anything... my stomach is bloated as hell and I looked gross. I went to the gym this morning and went on the elliptical for 25 mins, ran for 15, rowing 5 mins and bike 10 mins... only put effort in for the run & elliptical though, the rest was like a cool down. Was a good workout, but my shins hurt a bit on the treadmill :(
I don't get why the more exercise I do, the fatter I seem to get. I mean, I'm not "fat", but my legs are getting leaner while my bum and stomach are getting bigger. Your stomach is supposed to be where the fat goes when you eat unhealthy fats. I so don't understand. One day, I will understand how it all works. You'd think studying nutrition and having an obsessive nature with food and exercise and  teaching myself stuff about it would be able to lose weight the healthy way, but no, it still puzzles me.
I do no exercise and eat bad, I usually lose weight. Every time I go away somewhere like a holiday or a course, I usually lose weight. At home, I gain a kilo, lose a kilo, gain a kilo, lose a kilo, every single week, and it drives me mad!!! I've been very consistent with my exercise too (maybe not the intensity, but working out 3-5x a week, every week, for at least two years). and I eat all healthy food. I admit, I probably eat a lot, but this is because I'm still disordered with my eating... but it shouldn't be too much when you think of all the exercising I'm doing.
ARRGH!

Well, that went off on a complete tangent.

What was my initial point? I'm not really sure now... I'm planning on returning to kickboxing, maybe this week, as they've offered a "50% off for returning students" deal. As I was wanting to return anyway and money was the issue... it's like they're TELLING me to go back. Anyways... I'm gonna stop whingeing now. I'm seriously not having a good day - spent my morning feeling fat, as well as 5.5 hrs of studying anatomy. Good times :(

Will hopefully not spend my night binging...

Other running bloggers

So I've been reading a lot of running blogs the past couple of days, and most of them include the most delectable foods - the kind of foods I love to eat, such as peanut butter!
Then I noticed another trend - like 90% of the blogs I really liked involved girls who had disordered eating.

Seriously, it's disturbing how many girls out there have a story like mine, and the more I look, the more I find. Most of them are in the US, though. The main difference of course is that they're all dead skinny, gorgeous and eating lots of great food, whereas I'm borderline overweight, still bingeing, still having disgusting thoughts about food, still stigmatising "bad" food, and not really running as much as I could (because I keep getting injured and sick!)

One thing I've taken away, though, is that I need to be eating more. Especially on the days I exercise. And that I should attempt intuitive eating, and stop counting calories! Oh, to be free of counting... that would be a wonderful day. I keep trying the last couple of days, then freak out and think I've had too much - so I count it all up to check. Arggh!

So exercise is not something I usually have trouble with but since I've been back from Vietnam and not feeling too great, I haven't been doing much but sitting on my bum watching movies or lying in bed... but still eating a fair bit. I'm hoping that when I go away to Melbourne for two weeks for a course I will be feeling a bit better and have more of a chance to get back into it - although the food there is catered, so that will make it a bit harder.

Anyway, I am feeling a bit better today, so plan on a run this afternoon.

Maybe I'll do a bit of food blogging too... so today's breakfast was oats with a bit of Just Right cereal, spoon of cinnamon and a coffee... snacks included a protein bar, apple, one piece Lindt 70% chocolate with a large marshmallow (ate it together - was like rocky road!) and then for lunch a roast beef & cheese sandwich... this is such a bad day of food, honestly, and where's the vegies???! No wonder I feel so sick still - although hopefully will feel better enough later for a run :(

Edit: Hoorah, felt better enough for a run - sort of. Went for 7.81km, but probably ran about 4 km of that. Stomach was having issues. Was going for a decent pace at the start though, pretty happy with it, then had to drop it, and then eventually walk. Oh well, probably too much too soon anyway after feeling off for so long. Then I got home and had a small chocolate milk & some almonds / dried cranberries.