All or Nothing

This is somewhat of a "negative nancy" or "debbie downer" post *and there may be triggering material*, but I'm getting increasingly frustrated at several things. First, my perfectionist attitude. Last semester at uni, I got all high distinctions, and was upset because they were not 90% high distinctions, but 80%. This semester I know I can't get high distinctions and therefore I don't feel like putting the effort in. What's the point if I can't get the highest mark? I know I've already passed all my topics before the exams, so that motivation isn't there either.

Then I did a fitness test this morning. I got the exact same score for 2.4 km (1.6 miles) of 12:40 mins as I did last year, when I was way more unfit(?) and doing way less running... it just frustrated me, especially as I definitely did not hold back this morning!

Also this morning I weighed myself and I had gained 1kg (2 pounds) from last week. Which makes my BMI now 24.5. (Much too close to overweight category for my liking...) This is beginning to be a really irritating constant struggle for me. Gain, lose, gain, lose, gain, lose, gain... it's the same as maintaining, I suppose, but it's almost like... one week am I doing it right, and the next I'm not? Or is that just normal fluctuation of maintaining? Am I eating enough, too much? Am I exercising enough? What am I doing wrong? Sometimes I think... well, the only thing that has ever worked for me to lose weight has been eating disorders, so maybe I should just do that again. But then my rational brain takes over, and says hell no! No WAY am I going back to that.

Anyway, I know I've lost it healthily before, but that was before I had ever known about calorie counting. I think it's pretty difficult once you have calorie counted for a long time to stop. After all, even if you do stop, you still know the calorie, fat, carb content of the majority of the food you eat from counting it for so long. I've tried stopping so many times, but I can't help but still count in my head. Or I go the other way and eat way too little or too much.

It doesn't even seem to make a difference when I make small changes, like increase intensity of exercise slightly / amount, or eat slightly less, or eat slightly more. I've tried all these little experiments... the main one I did was eating at "maintenance" calories for a month or two - which made me gain two kilos (4.5 pounds) which I just cannot lose again (A really GREAT experiment that was.... :( )

Even when I went on that hike for a week last month, and did 30 hours of hiking in a week.. I lost nothing.

I should not be still obsessed with my weight, because I am supposed to be recovered. I mean, I'm not obsessed the way I used to be... but I think it's just hard the days I weigh myself more than anything. At least now I'm doing exercise because I enjoy it rather than to burn calories. Honestly, I am so deeply in love with running and kickboxing right now. If only I could do it more often than I do! I've been sore a lot lately.

Because I don't like being a negative nancy for too long... I went to the shops for retail therapy... and bought TWO new running shorts, THREE running magazines, and some other stuff. One of my pairs of shorts is fluro orange :D How do you spell fluro, because blogger says that's incorrect?

So one of my plans is to incorporate more HIIT into my training schedule... I'm just not sure where to fit it... this is another problem of mine. How do I fit in one week:

Running x 3  (at the moment just increasing mileage, but eventually want 1 x long, 1 x intervals in that)
Kickboxing x 3
Weights x 2
Swimming x 1 (I use this to work on my breathing / as a recovery)
HIIT x 1
Yoga x 1 (usually after long run day)
Rest day x 1

... That's 11 days worth of workouts! Unless I double up on four of those days, it doesn't really work. There's the all or nothing again... this is kind of what I did before I got my ED - running every day, kickboxing every night.

OK... / end confusing rant.

Losing weight again

So I've been thinking again... I want to lose this weight I've gained. It's only about 5-8 kg to get back down to what I was not so long ago, but it's driving me batty. 

[DISCLAIMER: I am actually bordering on overweight, so although I've had an ED, I'm trying to lose healthy now...]

So I've rethought a few things, and instead of trying to eat intuitively and making myself eat fear foods - I think I'm getting better at that - it's back to trying to lose the weight, since I now have a healthier relationship with food. I've been thinking about different ways of doing this and I've come up with (believe it or not) less exercise to start with - slowly increasing it as I go.

My favourite lunch at uni... usually includes a range of this selection: falafel balls, egg,
tuna, carrot, sprouts, olives, chick peas, mixed nuts, dried fruit, baby spinach,
beetroot, couscous salad, pasta salad etc.

I think I've gone about exercise the wrong way a lot of the time, going all out and overdoing it, burning myself out, injuring myself, that kind of thing. So this week all I have done is gone on two short runs and two short walks, tomorrow I'm doing a 5km run. So three runs, two walks. Feels pretty lazy at the moment but I'm going to slowly work it up. As for the food side of it, I'm not "restricting" as such, but changing the macros - instead of what I've currently been having (roughly 35% fat, 45% carbs and 20% protein), I'll be trying to switch it to 20% fat, 50% carbs and 30% protein. Hoping the extra protein will keep me fuller so I'll eat less - only reducing by 100-200 calories a day. So far today was difficult (mainly keeping the fat down - I love my fats!) but I managed it, with the help of my friend protein powder. Speaking of... 

Found this today, YAY SOY, means I can actually have some without belly issues :D Plus it's chocolate flavour, I was a bit over that vanilla flavour I had.

My delicious breakfast, which was a melted banana mixed in with oats, coconut vanilla butter, raisins, chia seeds and cinnamon.

Lunch - Two pieces sprouted grain bread spread with a small amount of basil pesto, 1 egg, some baby spinach and mushrooms lightly fried with cajun seasoning.

* Just so you know, that isn't all I ate today - just didn't take pics of anything else ;)

I also found these at the supermarket yesterday, and they are SO DELICIOUS. Poppyseed and orange is always a good combination - and the bar is just fruit with poppyseeds :) Yay!

This was also a new product I found, banana and honey soy milk in tetra packs :D Should come in handy...

Oh and I bought this singlet from Cotton On Body, ha, I thought it was such a great play on words... don't get me wrong, I do love the treadmill occasionally, but you aren't actually going anywhere when you're on one ;) I thought it would be fun to wear when I actually go on the treadmill... OK, call me lame :P

Tomorrow I'm doing by first 5 km race... I know, weird, because I've done 3 12kms, 1 10km and two 14 km, but I've never done a 5k! I really want to actually get to the 30 minute mark, that shall be my goal, but of course any quicker would be nice... not expecting to break any records but my own! Looking forward to it!

Weekly Plan

o yesterday... or whenever it was.. I posted a weekly recap of my workouts, so this time I might post a plan in a hope to stick to it, haha (including yesterdays)

Monday: Boot Camp, 100 pushups program (did 79 - oh they hurt)

Tuesday: Did a 3km run, not feeling too well.

Wednesday: Boot camp, 100 pushups program

Thursday 5km walk, maybe something strength related in the afternoon.

Friday: Last Boot Camp!!, 100 pushups program

Saturday: swim 50 - 100 laps

Sunday: long run. again, depends how the shins feel.

I'm kinda reluctant to give myself KM's at the moment because of the way my shins are feeling. I did a bit of a run to my car last night when it was raining at uni and they hurt a bit, so we'll see how we go. I was going to cross-train today with a gym class but I've missed it by sleeping in :/

Oh, and I gained .7 kg this week. Why does this keep happening? You can't gain this much muscle every week. I must eat too much, but I'm reluctant to restrict myself...