New exercise plan

Ha! Stupid no-running depression, I am totally kicking you to the curb with my new little exercise plan...

Instead of my usual:
4 x runs per week
2 x kickboxing (which I haven't been doing due to work + injury + christmas hols since NOVEMBER ugh)
1 x easy cross-train (swim/elliptical)
3 x weights (usually only manage one per week anyway)

I now have planned:
4 x swims per week (1 long, 1 fast, 2 easy)
2 x indoor bike (1 HIIT, 1 hills)
1 x easy cross-train (probably some game on Wii or modified yoga to only use upper body)
3 x weights sessions (mostly arms, though I think squats would be OK?)

It will be different, and hell yes I will still miss running, but this is a way to keep myself sane....

Oh, and I finally got the results for the cross-country I ran on the weekend... yes with my broken toe (I was clearly in some serious denial). I came 56 out of 86, lol... 20th out of the females and 6th in my age group. The girl who came first in my age group ran at a 5:13 pace. Totally doable, if I had actually run at race pace.... gets me motivated for next time!!

Here's some pics from the locations where the race was:

Yep that's my tiny little city in the background :) 

So purdy!

Ending the negativity

I've realised lately that I'm actually not as recovered as I thought I was. 

I've written several posts - about five, in fact - that I have decided not to post as they were just so negative. 

This isn't what I wanted this blog to be about at all. I'm confused about everything.

There is no need for another blogger out there who posts negative things or talks all about their ED, or seems to "encourage" the idea... I wanted this blog to be about being fit, healthy and happy - not counting calories and being unhappy - which is really the place I am at. I hate reading other blogs and seeing that people think they are better, when really they are not. It just makes me sad.

One thing that made me realise I am not recovered was how hard Christmas was for me. It wasn't that I was forced to eat anything I didn't want to, but I was constantly on edge and bit my whole family's head off with my attitude. They were mad at me for it. I did not enjoy Christmas at all.

I have made an appointment with a dietician, but I couldn't get in until the end of January. I don't know what the problem is, exactly... I'm not anorexic or bulimic as before, but I seem to be leaning much more towards the orthorexic ways and it's just not cool. I also think the fact that I've been quite depressed plays a big part, and eating healthy is something else to focus on. It's completely complicated by so many other factors!!

But as I said, I don't want this blog to be about that. So from now on, expect an end to the negativity - it means I will post much less, most likely - and a return to posts about my passions in life - running & kickboxing. I suppose that will become easier next year when I start doing more races.

I think I will make a start to posting positive posts soon, perhaps with some more "things that make me happy" type posts.

Perfectionism.

I'm bored, and I hate it. I hate having nothing on my to-do list that's productive to do. I've been on holidays now from university for a week and a half. I've got my haircut, been to the doctor's, got my car fixed, moved into my brother's old room, cleaned, baked, went grocery shopping, went window shopping, played The Sims 3, and socialised.

I have a long list of other things to do but most of them are exercise related, and it's supposed to be a rest day. I don't actually feel like having one, but I didn't have one for the entirety of last week and last night at kickboxing I was feeling kind of unfit and almost overtrained, and when I got home my shin hurt.

I feel good today but I'm taking last night as a sign to rest up... but I feel guilty for it, ugh! I'm not sure it's eating disorder related though - I think it's perfectionism related.

I was reading a blog the other day where someone talked about perfectionism and I looked up the exact definition on Wikipedia and the entire thing describes me, to a T!:

Particularly these points:

"people who strain compulsively and unremittingly toward impossible goals and who measure their own worth entirely in terms of productivity and accomplishment"

procrastination, fear of failure, the all-or-nothing mindset

Perfectionists can suffer anxiety and low self-esteem. Perfectionism is a risk factor for obsessive compulsive personality disorder, eating disorders, social anxiety, social phobia, body dysmorphic disorder, workaholism, self harm, and clinical depression as well as physical problems like chronic stress, and heart disease 

<--- hello! Personally suffered from low-self esteem, eating disorders, social anxiety AND depression in the past.

It's interesting, reading that made me wonder if I'm actually able to relax properly, the way a "normal" person might. The first day of my uni holidays I was all over the house, unable to relax, couldn't sit still, and was mad that I slept in (7.30 am). "I've wasted half the day!" I said to my mum. So what? It's not like I needed to be anywhere, or really had to do anything.

Then I tried to "drag out" the things on my to do list that I needed done over my four month break. (Isn't that a ridiculously long break?) But it's been a week and I've done 90% of them already. I feel lost without things on a to-do list that must be done, especially on a rest day. This is how I felt on Sunday until I went for my run, then I felt infinitely better, because I had DONE something, I had achieved something for the day - I had worked out.

I feel horribly guilty if I go one day where I haven't achieved anything at all. Why can't I just spend a day relaxing, watching TV, reading and doing absolutely nothing without it just being a chilled out affair?????? THAT makes me mad.

I look at my to-do list daily to try and find something new and productive to do, but all that's actually on it now is lazy stuff like "sort out pile of magazines" and "read a book" (or exercise related ideas).

I'm one of those people that simply could not go on a holiday where the idea is to chill out by the pool and tan. I would seriously go crazy. I need to be doing something all the time, busy, seeing the world.

To give an example, here are the lists I currently have (just the ones stored on my computer / blog):

Study schedule

Things to do on 4 month break

Things to do today

Things to do this week

101 goals in 1001 days

November goals

Stuff to bake

Stuff to blog

Stuff to buy.

I imagine I'm not alone in this, though. I imagine most people who have suffered an eating disorder, depression or anxiety in the past probably feel similar. 

The question is, how do you change this thinking so that you can relax and be happy with not being perfect at things? I've always been one of those people who is OK at everything - never really bad at something, never really great at something and I guess that I just want to find just one something that I'm really good at. Maybe if I find that the perfectionism will calm down?

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EDIT: I apologise for the fact that a lot of my blogging lately is so negative!! I am generally not that negative a person, just a couple of things I've been thinking about lately needed venting... and I thought others might be able to relate. Positivity returning at some point, hopefully.

Also, I'd love to see more people join up with me on dailymile, if you have accounts. My dailymile account here. I get quite a kick out of seeing different people's workouts and learning from what they do.

Things that make me happy

I'm feeling pretty down... again... story of this week. So I decided on doing a post of things that make me happy to try to cheer myself up.

The fact that all the rooms in my house still have those awesome glow-in-the-dark star stickers on the ceilings, and they still work after 20+ years. I hardly remember to look at them these days, but when I do they cheer me up.

Skinny cow icecream cookies :)

Eating random dinners with all sorts of stuff. Like, vegetarian sausages wrapped in turkey, and mushrooms spread with vegemite.

Eating lunch in the form of brown gloop. 

Mixing stuff with raspberries up so it turns pink!

Taking stupid photos of myself, so then I can look at them and laugh at how dumb I look.

People who dress like this in races :D

Pretty flowers, and photography in general.

Sunsets, the beach.

Kicking some butt! (Or getting my butt kicked)

Chocolate, in all its variations.

Dumb jokes on the back of toilet doors. The bit I thought the funniest is: "Don't fight for femmenism, fight for equal rights!" to which someone has replied "Fight for spelling!"

And the most important? Friends.

Yes, I have sacrificed my friends for the sake of my study this year. And you know what? It was stupid. I've burnt myself out because I've had little to no time with my friends, I've spent every weekend studying and this semester I just couldn't hack it. The only me time I've had is watching TV and exercising. I have literally said no to EVERY SINGLE INVITATION this year. It has turned me into a recluse, brought back social anxiety symptoms, and made me focus even more on food and diet, something I want to get away from.

So having completed absolutely no study today because I just can't face it, I'm now going to drive 3.5 hours to a dropzone where there's currently a big party, and see the friends I've been neglecting for way too long. Some things should come before study, why did it take me so long to realise this?

Yes, I've got three exams this week. But I just can't take it anymore, I need relief!!!!

(I am kinda going to listen to lectures on the car stereo on the way, but still!!)