Wednesday, November 30, 2011

WIAW #9 - getting back to healthier eating.

As I've mentioned in my previous post, I spent the last two weeks in the bush eating very processed food and doing no exercise, so today's and yesterday's food has been an attempt to return to my usual diet. I think after eating crappy food for two weeks it's been a little more difficult than I anticipated - I've actually craved two minute noodles!

Anyway here's some new things I found at the store today - MAN did I miss grocery shopping - plus it was like CHRISTMAS with all these exciting new products.

Rice crackers, a healthy cookie (fruit & nut) and caramel rice cakes in SINGLE SERVES! Awesome...

Chai Latte sachets in berry flavour. I plan to probably mix these up with some oats rather than drink them ;)

Um, this doesn't fit the "healthier eating" bill, but I have never seen this in Australian supermarkets so it had to be bought, and had to be sampled as soon as I came home - with a spoon.

OK, so here's what I ate today:

Banana protein sachet + 5 or 6 frozen raspberries + sprinkle of oats + greek yoghurt.

RAW food bar - spirulina & cashew + 

My favourite iced tea guzzled in the car on the way to the shops.

Salad made with leftovers: Couscous salad, some mince, a boiled egg, a sprinkling of feta cheese, baby spinach, peas, cherry tomatoes, carrot, asparagus.

The cherry tomatoes in my backyard have gone mental:
This is a much bigger bowl than it looks like... and there's still a bowl's worth on the bush that I couldn't be bothered picking!! They taste AMAZING, like candy almost...

Banana with PB + an unpictured apple.

My unhealthy vice. No matter how many times I want to quit, it never happens...

What I worked: Nothing yet... I'm still trying to get my mojo back after two weeks of inactivity :( Hopefully I'll have the energy / motivation to go for a run later on. If not I won't beat myself up about it.

In the meantime... anyone have any good recipes for mountains of tomatoes?

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Challenging myself.

So I'm back from my two week trip into the bushes of Australia. As per the previous post on Introversion, it was not all sunshine and roses. Far from it.
The challenges I thought I would have the trouble with was eating unhealthy food and not being able to exercise. In reality the most trouble I had revolved around being bored and dealing with an extremely arrogant, chauvinistic pig who was basically a "workplace bully".

The food challenge went really, really well though. I ended up eating m & ms a couple of times, usually a forbidden type of food. Takeaway pizza one night. Went out for dinner twice - once I ordered steak with fries and ate them all, another time I had deep fried zucchini "balls" (with salad). I also went out drinking with the boys - after which I had bacon and eggs. I also ate the most forbidden food of them all in my mind - a donut. The good part about it though, is that while I felt guilty each time I ate these unhealthy foods, I did not beat myself up about it (too much) or dwell on it to a large degree.

I was not able to work off anything I ate. We were not allowed to wear anything but our uniform and as I only had two pairs and we had no access to showers.... yeah. It would have also been too difficult as we couldn't leave the small square area of bush we were based in, so unless I ran 100 m back and forth!! I decided to just use the two weeks as a break / rest. Although I suspect it will be VERY difficult to get back into it all. It always is after a break! My plan tomorrow is to go for an easy run and just see how I feel, run as many k's as my legs feel good for.

The weirdest part of all? After eating rubbish food and doing NO exercise for two weeks... I lost 1.6 kilos (3.6 pounds). Honestly, every time I do something like this, I ALWAYS lose weight. It's really confusing and frustrating. While I know when I'm away I don't count calories and tend to eat a little more intuitively, it still doesn't seem to make sense that I can eat food with no nutritional value and generally treat my body in a crappier way yet it responds with weight loss. Then I go back home and return to my normal ways and it comes back on.

I usually either respond by attempting to eat more intuitively when I get home (usually backfires and ends up with weight gain) or increase my calories to match what I thought I was eating when away (usually ends up with weight gain too). Hopefully it's not muscle loss or something, and that's the reason why I always lose when I go away somewhere and then it returns when I resume exercising. Hmm... curious.

I will be back tomorrow with a WIAW post. I'm probably going to be eating some sort of "detox" kind of foods. I'm not into the whole detox thing, but basically I mean getting back to eating healthier wholesome foods to rid my body of all the processed rubbish I've been eating. Had a lunch for my grandma's birthday today and there was lots of salad and fruit salad, so that was a great start. I missed fresh food!!!

Friday, November 25, 2011


I'm seriously struggling with constantly being around people, especially as I have a severe personality clash with one of them. It has totally ruined the experience out here. I just binged on 1000 cals worth of muesli - the first binge I've had in months. I am truly miserable :(

I almost never dont get along with people, mainly because I put myself out there in a way that makes it hard for people to have a problem with me / I don't argue, put forward opinions, or tell people much about me. Part of perfectionism I think, can't stand people disliking me.

When we first had words, I cried half the day and cried myself to sleep. I usually cry less than once a year. I vowed to apologize the next day, even though I had essentially done nothing wrong. But the next day he was even Nastier, so I crawled into my shell and said nothing. Since then I have hidden out in my sleeping bag and not said much to anyone.

The days drag along, with two hour shifts every six hours and nothing to do between but feel sorry for myself and sleep.

Everyone is planning drinks at the end, but no one has actually spoken to me about it, in fact I walked past as they mentioned it and then it went quiet. I feel so alone. It's like high school all over again.

I'm thinking when I get home I will see about seeing someone again. My social anxiety has slowly been coming back this year, and something like this experience has really hurt my confidence a lot.

Set about to challenge myself and only dig the hole deeper, story of my life.

Also - haven't done any exercise at all because of where we are, and can't - only serves to make me sadder.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Out of the comfort zone

Just a quick post to say I'll probably be AWOL for the next two weeks as I'm going out bush with work, leaving tomorrow. I have no idea what kind of access to the internet I'll have (probably none!).

It will have its benefits though - I likely won't be able to complete my goal of 100 km running for November because of this (Currently at 40 km, probably doing 10k tomorrow), but I WILL be able to complete the goal of getting out of my comfort zone for the entire time. I will have absolutely no control over the food I have access to, and likely will have no chance to exercise at all (Unless I do situps in my sleeping bag or something!!). I will also know NOBODY at all. Kind of an eating disordered / social anxiety person's nightmare, right?? Exactly why I should be doing it! Plus I get $...

I'm flying to the capital of Australia (Canberra) for this, so hopefully if I'm lucky I'll get a short amount of time to sightsee, as last time I was there I was 2 years old :)

Anyway, I will be back to stalk everyone's two week's worth of blog posts soon! Ciao!

Oh - I was going to mention, for those of you in the US - check out Earndit, it's a site that rewards you for your workouts. You get points for everything you do and then can cash them in for rewards - there's clothes, food and stuff. I've been a member for a while and have heaps of points but can't cash them in because most of the stuff is US only. I'm staying a member though because one day there might be something I can get, haha - and then I'll be rolling in the points!

Tuesday, November 8, 2011


I'm bored, and I hate it. I hate having nothing on my to-do list that's productive to do. I've been on holidays now from university for a week and a half. I've got my haircut, been to the doctor's, got my car fixed, moved into my brother's old room, cleaned, baked, went grocery shopping, went window shopping, played The Sims 3, and socialised.

I have a long list of other things to do but most of them are exercise related, and it's supposed to be a rest day. I don't actually feel like having one, but I didn't have one for the entirety of last week and last night at kickboxing I was feeling kind of unfit and almost overtrained, and when I got home my shin hurt.
I feel good today but I'm taking last night as a sign to rest up... but I feel guilty for it, ugh! I'm not sure it's eating disorder related though - I think it's perfectionism related.

I was reading a blog the other day where someone talked about perfectionism and I looked up the exact definition on Wikipedia and the entire thing describes me, to a T!:

Particularly these points:
"people who strain compulsively and unremittingly toward impossible goals and who measure their own worth entirely in terms of productivity and accomplishment"

procrastination, fear of failure, the all-or-nothing mindset

Perfectionists can suffer anxiety and low self-esteem. Perfectionism is a risk factor for obsessive compulsive personality disordereating disorderssocial anxietysocial phobiabody dysmorphic disorderworkaholismself harm, and clinical depression as well as physical problems like chronic stress, and heart disease 
<--- hello! Personally suffered from low-self esteem, eating disorders, social anxiety AND depression in the past.

It's interesting, reading that made me wonder if I'm actually able to relax properly, the way a "normal" person might. The first day of my uni holidays I was all over the house, unable to relax, couldn't sit still, and was mad that I slept in (7.30 am). "I've wasted half the day!" I said to my mum. So what? It's not like I needed to be anywhere, or really had to do anything.

Then I tried to "drag out" the things on my to do list that I needed done over my four month break. (Isn't that a ridiculously long break?) But it's been a week and I've done 90% of them already. I feel lost without things on a to-do list that must be done, especially on a rest day. This is how I felt on Sunday until I went for my run, then I felt infinitely better, because I had DONE something, I had achieved something for the day - I had worked out.

I feel horribly guilty if I go one day where I haven't achieved anything at all. Why can't I just spend a day relaxing, watching TV, reading and doing absolutely nothing without it just being a chilled out affair?????? THAT makes me mad.

I look at my to-do list daily to try and find something new and productive to do, but all that's actually on it now is lazy stuff like "sort out pile of magazines" and "read a book" (or exercise related ideas).

I'm one of those people that simply could not go on a holiday where the idea is to chill out by the pool and tan. I would seriously go crazy. I need to be doing something all the time, busy, seeing the world.

To give an example, here are the lists I currently have (just the ones stored on my computer / blog):
Study schedule
Things to do on 4 month break
Things to do today
Things to do this week
101 goals in 1001 days
November goals
Stuff to bake
Stuff to blog
Stuff to buy.

I imagine I'm not alone in this, though. I imagine most people who have suffered an eating disorder, depression or anxiety in the past probably feel similar. 

The question is, how do you change this thinking so that you can relax and be happy with not being perfect at things? I've always been one of those people who is OK at everything - never really bad at something, never really great at something and I guess that I just want to find just one something that I'm really good at. Maybe if I find that the perfectionism will calm down?

EDIT: I apologise for the fact that a lot of my blogging lately is so negative!! I am generally not that negative a person, just a couple of things I've been thinking about lately needed venting... and I thought others might be able to relate. Positivity returning at some point, hopefully.

Also, I'd love to see more people join up with me on dailymile, if you have accounts. My dailymile account here. I get quite a kick out of seeing different people's workouts and learning from what they do.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

The Tournament

 So today I fought in the novice (questionable?!) tournament in kickboxing. I'm half happy with how it went. I fought in two fights. But first of all, here's how I fuelled up:

Breakfast was a crumbled up pumpkin almond muffin in peanut flour mixed with yoghurt. Delicious! Pretty much after I ate this the nerves set in and I couldn't eat much else - so lunch was two pieces of plain toast with jam, and I didn't eat anything else till dinner - not like me at all!

The first fight was scheduled for 3.30 pm, but we pretty much knew it wouldn't go to schedule. The kids fights always go over, which is OK since they are super cute and fun to watch, and some of them have some serious talent. Warmed up upstairs but it was so long before my fight I'd practically cooled down again. Anyway, on the "fixture" it had me fighting a girl who had been doing kickboxing since she was like, 5, appears on all the club's promotional posters, fights in international competitions and I was like... umm... I entered the NOVICE comp right? It only intensified my nerves, but I tried to calm myself down with positive thinking.

Anyway so the idea was that I would fight her and then the loser would fight another girl (who had 20 years experience - compared to me with 6 years - and having just had 3 years off!!!) So you can see why I was struggling to feel positive...

Just before the first fight. We had "coaches" sit behind us, but honestly, this woman said absolutely nothing to me at all. The last tournament I fought in I had a great coach, told me areas I could improve and the other fighter's weaknesses etc, gave you water, calmed you down... this woman just freaking sat there. So mad! 

I'm pretty happy with that fight. I was definitely feeling the unfit-ness of having had three years off though. Although I've been running and doing other sport, it's not the same kind of fitness. Kickboxing is like intense bursts of super high activity for three minutes at a time, and I was half dead before the first minute was over!! I still gave it my all and think I did pretty OK considering. I've got no idea how many points either of us got, but she won. It was also good because I fought somebody I knew, and we were pretty chilled out talking to each other beforehand and hugged after, etc. Made it more fun. As the other girl pulled out and I didn't have to fight her, I was given a silver medal. Score? Kinda feels unearned but I'll take it!!

Before the second fight. I'm on the left with a slightly better coach who at least introduced himself! (Sorry, my mum kinda sucks at photography ;) Sorry mum. This one was against a girl I didn't know, but she was a third dan black belt whereas I am one (requires at least 3 years more training).

The difference was, I felt like I had this one. She looked tired and "over it" after her first fight. I felt good. I got in quite a few good punches, but unfortunately punches are worth 1 point and kicks are worth two. So while I got about 4 punches and she got 2 kicks, that kept us even. Then one of my kicks wasn't counted because somehow they didn't see it (Pissed off.) and they counted one of hers which I blocked. Like what the??! And that fight was over really quick, without me feeling like I had quite put in the same effort as the other one. :( It was 1 point difference, and I lost again.

(I'm the black blur)

Despite losing both fights to much more experienced competitors (after less than one month training...) I had a great time and learned a fair bit. The adrenalin rush is insane, which is possibly why I've been contemplating bed since about 7.30 pm!!!

A little annoyed about the lack of coaching, being placed against international competitors despite wanting to go in as a novice, them missing my kick etc... but I should just suck it up and get over it! Finding it hard though. On the plus side, I had a great time and will definitely be entering again next year, hoping for a rematch ;)

Thursday, November 3, 2011

WIAW #8 - Late to the party!

I've been having an annoying problem post-workout a lot of the time lately. If I run more than about 40 minutes or do a medium - hard run, I wind up with a full blown headache and bad nausea - unless I get serious with post-workout recovery:

- Stretch straight away.
- Drink diluted gatorade immediately while putting legs up on wall.
- Eat high protein item within 30 mins of coming back (Lately has been my peanut flour slice thing)
- Eat a spoonful of vegemite (super salty + B vitamins)
- Have a cold shower / ice shins

If I miss doing this, the sickness comes. It's kind of strange, you would think this would only happen after particularly difficult workouts, but it pretty much happens on any run unless it's super easy. I don't think it's dehydration, because I always make sure I have a big cup before I go and drink at least two or three after my electrolyte drink when I get back... then I thought it was the salt thing hence why I started having vegemite - which might be key? I don't know... anyway maybe I don't get enough salt in my diet generally. So I had Subway for lunch today, because everyone knows their bread is super high salt.

So without further ado (adieu?) here is Wednesday's foodstuffs...

Had the most simple breakfast ever. Kashi Golean with rice milk. That's it!

Went to the gym for a 30 min weights sesh + 3 km run, and afterwards downed this protein bar. Delicious!

Wanted to wear these shorts. I love these shorts - but I can't find a shirt that really goes with them! :( Maybe I'll have to go shopping again to find one ;) But what colours?!

Instead wore this shirt (with dark grey shorts) - this shows the heat / humidity here at the moment!! I'd like to believe it was my effort but I think the heat held most of the reason for the uber sweat.

This was lunch - almond spread & blackberry jam on wholemeal grain toast. Super inventive...

The other piece of bread held a baby banana with almond spread & cinnamon. So good!

Well, as for my November challenges... the eating more vegetables is going so so. I made dinner last night and it was a huge salad with tuna & goat's feta cheese.

The 100km for November? I've done 13 km so far on Nov 3 which is a great start, but I've found out that the work I'm doing for 2 weeks at the end of November will be out field camping, so there won't be much opportunity for ANY kind of exercise, let alone running. I've decided I'll just do what I would have done in the weeks I'm home and see how I go. (Plan was Week 1 - 24km, Week 2 - 26 km, Week 3 - 27 km, Week 4 - 23 km) or thereabouts.

And facing things that scare me - fighting in the kickboxing tournament this Saturday - will definitely recap that on here and how I go. I'm not expecting to win or even do great but I'm in it for fun and anything else is a bonus!

I really miss my blender and its ability to make creations like the above. :(

I've really enjoyed reading everyone's halloween posts and about things like how big pumpkin is!. We don't do any of that stuff here really so it's been really interesting to me. I never would have thought of having a coffee with pumpkin pie spice (which I'm assuming is kind of like nutmeg & cinnamon together?!). That sounds so delicious!!! And all the cool foods made into shapes of scary stuff. Love it!

And wow, I just realised how close it actually is to Christmas!! Oh noo....

P.S. I hate Summer and I am jealous of everyone that has winter coming up.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

November Goals.

1. Eat more vegetables.

You would be surprised how little vegetables I actually eat. Considering I am an ex (sometimes questionable?) ED sufferer and 95% of what I eat is super healthy, I still don't consume enough vegetables! I'm a little paranoid about them actually... when I was eating super massive amounts in the past with my purely vegetable lunches, I had really bad gas.

2. Run 100 km in November.

I ran 75 km in October, so I'm upping the ante for November. Shouldn't be too difficult.

3. Do one thing each week to get myself out of my comfort zone. This can be anything - food related, social related, exercise related, whatever!

As for my October goals? I don't think I thought them out very well! They were:

1. Reduce the amount of coffee / diet coke I drink - this didn't happen. I drank only one diet coke a week the first three weeks, then had like four in the last week!
2. Prepare my lunch for the week on the weekend - this wasn't necessary as I only had one teaching week left, and the rest I was at home!
3. Actually schedule me-time that isn't exercise related into my study schedule, rather than procrastinating being my me-time - managed this one, though!