Not counting calories.

So I went and saw a dietician a couple of weeks ago, to try and get some answers on how much I should really be eating with the activity I do. At the time obviously I was running, whereas now I am mainly swimming and cycling thanks to zee toe... She gave me a few pointers on some of the areas my nutrition was lacking (mainly calcium, need more vegetables at lunch, and cut down on my PB intake *gasp*) She also gave me a great plan to follow which should both help fuel my workouts / help recover as well as help me to lose some weight.

To be honest, I've been struggling to follow it! I follow it almost completely, except I have generally been eating one extra snack each day than she has put in the plan, and as a result my weight has been staying stable instead of me losing... which isn't too bad, I guess. I think also the reason I haven't lost anything is because I have been going out for dinner more often than usual, and indulging in a few of these:

Affogato - espresso shot poured over icecream. They are so freaking amazing. When I get obsessed with something food related, having it once does not cure the craving. I usually have to have it, like, once or twice a week probably five times before the craving goes! So I've been kinda going with it and indulging the craving. Just looking at that picture makes my mouth water...

One other thing which has been fantastic and the biggest relief ever, was following the dietician's plan means I am not counting calories. I feel so free! I have wanted to stop counting since forever, but having a plan in front of me means I feel like I finally have permission and can finally do it without feeling like I'm under or over-eating accidentally. It's so great!!!

On the workout front.... I am so bored of swimming. I guess it's because I don't know what to do. I kinda just jump in the pool and swim laps for 30 mins or an hour. Intervals doesn't make it more fun, and neither does changing style every 10 or so laps. I used to love swimming, but that was when I did it once a week. Doing it four times a week now, it's getting pretty old. I'm enjoying the weights I am doing though, and at least on the exercise bike I can pull out a magazine if it gets dull.

Oh well, one week of recovery down... five to seven to go??!

Everything will be OK.

I can't believe what a different person I become when I'm surrounded by people I love. I'm happy, bubbly, outgoing and apparently really funny. I just spent two weeks in Melbourne with 20 of my workmates. We see each other twice a year for two weeks, and we have become really close. I had such an amazing time and have a renewed vigour for life, I hope that it lasts!
I think a lot of the problems I was feeling before I left was just too much time on my hands to think. When I was surrounded by friends 24/7, I did not worry or think about food all the time. I was more relaxed. I didn't feel depressed, except 1 day when I just felt off anyway.
I ate really well and did heaps of exercise the first week:

Saturday: rest
Sunday: Interval run session with friends:
4 x 400m
2 x 200m
8 x 100m
(Pushups & squats inbetween each rep)
& a 1.25 km swim.
Monday: arm workout with friends: heaves, pushups, leg lifts & shoulder presses.
Tuesday: 4 km run
Wednesday: 5 km run
Thursday: random gym workout - kickboxing for 30 mins, legs for 30 minutes + 0.5km in the pool.
Friday: 5 km run + 1.65 km swim
Saturday: rest

All of the workouts were awesome fun.

The next week wasn't as great as I got busier with work and injured myself on the Wednesday:
Sunday: 9km run (split into 5 & 4)
Monday: 10 minute swim
Tuesday: rest
Wednesday: 7.5 km hilly run

and then nothing for four days...

My injury was sustained during work, basically I was lifting a generator which weighs 73kg out of a vehicle trailer with a friend, and must have lost my grip, it landed on my foot. Luckily the shoes are pretty good (not steel cap, but tough enough!) So all I sustained was dark bruising, swelling and a black toenail. It really hurts to bend the big toe though, so I've been limping around and not running. I'm hoping it will be fine soon?? I'm very lucky to have been wearing those shoes....

I plan on spending this week mainly doing swimming and strength work so to let it heal properly, but if I'm desperate I might give a go at running tomorrow and see how I feel.

I must mention also that I'm pretty proud of how disgustingly I ate in the second week... I know that sounds crazy haha :P But I literally had like 3000+ calories in the last three days (each day) - mostly in booze and hangover food! Had some AMAZING nights, and they were seriously really fun, so it was worth everything. I even had a Hungry Jacks (Burger King) meal and enjoyed it... mind you at the time I was really, really drunk and probably seriously needed it. The best part??? I didn't feel overly guilty, because I knew it was just a couple of days of fun and then I could resume eating normally and everything would be OK. I also did not count calories for the whole two weeks.

Merry Christmas!!

Merry Christmas all!! :)

Not going to lie, I love christmas, presents, the christmas spirit... but it's this time of the year that both the social anxiety (family get-togethers) and ED thoughts hit pretty hard!
Here's hoping for a better Christmas this year and not letting negative thoughts ruin things.
Hope everyone has some good times planned and is not struggling with their own thoughts too much over the Christmas break to stop their enjoyment :)

Challenging myself.

So I'm back from my two week trip into the bushes of Australia. As per the previous post on Introversion, it was not all sunshine and roses. Far from it.
The challenges I thought I would have the trouble with was eating unhealthy food and not being able to exercise. In reality the most trouble I had revolved around being bored and dealing with an extremely arrogant, chauvinistic pig who was basically a "workplace bully".

The food challenge went really, really well though. I ended up eating m & ms a couple of times, usually a forbidden type of food. Takeaway pizza one night. Went out for dinner twice - once I ordered steak with fries and ate them all, another time I had deep fried zucchini "balls" (with salad). I also went out drinking with the boys - after which I had bacon and eggs. I also ate the most forbidden food of them all in my mind - a donut. The good part about it though, is that while I felt guilty each time I ate these unhealthy foods, I did not beat myself up about it (too much) or dwell on it to a large degree.

I was not able to work off anything I ate. We were not allowed to wear anything but our uniform and as I only had two pairs and we had no access to showers.... yeah. It would have also been too difficult as we couldn't leave the small square area of bush we were based in, so unless I ran 100 m back and forth!! I decided to just use the two weeks as a break / rest. Although I suspect it will be VERY difficult to get back into it all. It always is after a break! My plan tomorrow is to go for an easy run and just see how I feel, run as many k's as my legs feel good for.

The weirdest part of all? After eating rubbish food and doing NO exercise for two weeks... I lost 1.6 kilos (3.6 pounds). Honestly, every time I do something like this, I ALWAYS lose weight. It's really confusing and frustrating. While I know when I'm away I don't count calories and tend to eat a little more intuitively, it still doesn't seem to make sense that I can eat food with no nutritional value and generally treat my body in a crappier way yet it responds with weight loss. Then I go back home and return to my normal ways and it comes back on.

I usually either respond by attempting to eat more intuitively when I get home (usually backfires and ends up with weight gain) or increase my calories to match what I thought I was eating when away (usually ends up with weight gain too). Hopefully it's not muscle loss or something, and that's the reason why I always lose when I go away somewhere and then it returns when I resume exercising. Hmm... curious.

I will be back tomorrow with a WIAW post. I'm probably going to be eating some sort of "detox" kind of foods. I'm not into the whole detox thing, but basically I mean getting back to eating healthier wholesome foods to rid my body of all the processed rubbish I've been eating. Had a lunch for my grandma's birthday today and there was lots of salad and fruit salad, so that was a great start. I missed fresh food!!!

All or Nothing

This is somewhat of a "negative nancy" or "debbie downer" post *and there may be triggering material*, but I'm getting increasingly frustrated at several things. First, my perfectionist attitude. Last semester at uni, I got all high distinctions, and was upset because they were not 90% high distinctions, but 80%. This semester I know I can't get high distinctions and therefore I don't feel like putting the effort in. What's the point if I can't get the highest mark? I know I've already passed all my topics before the exams, so that motivation isn't there either.

Then I did a fitness test this morning. I got the exact same score for 2.4 km (1.6 miles) of 12:40 mins as I did last year, when I was way more unfit(?) and doing way less running... it just frustrated me, especially as I definitely did not hold back this morning!

Also this morning I weighed myself and I had gained 1kg (2 pounds) from last week. Which makes my BMI now 24.5. (Much too close to overweight category for my liking...) This is beginning to be a really irritating constant struggle for me. Gain, lose, gain, lose, gain, lose, gain... it's the same as maintaining, I suppose, but it's almost like... one week am I doing it right, and the next I'm not? Or is that just normal fluctuation of maintaining? Am I eating enough, too much? Am I exercising enough? What am I doing wrong? Sometimes I think... well, the only thing that has ever worked for me to lose weight has been eating disorders, so maybe I should just do that again. But then my rational brain takes over, and says hell no! No WAY am I going back to that.

Anyway, I know I've lost it healthily before, but that was before I had ever known about calorie counting. I think it's pretty difficult once you have calorie counted for a long time to stop. After all, even if you do stop, you still know the calorie, fat, carb content of the majority of the food you eat from counting it for so long. I've tried stopping so many times, but I can't help but still count in my head. Or I go the other way and eat way too little or too much.

It doesn't even seem to make a difference when I make small changes, like increase intensity of exercise slightly / amount, or eat slightly less, or eat slightly more. I've tried all these little experiments... the main one I did was eating at "maintenance" calories for a month or two - which made me gain two kilos (4.5 pounds) which I just cannot lose again (A really GREAT experiment that was.... :( )

Even when I went on that hike for a week last month, and did 30 hours of hiking in a week.. I lost nothing.

I should not be still obsessed with my weight, because I am supposed to be recovered. I mean, I'm not obsessed the way I used to be... but I think it's just hard the days I weigh myself more than anything. At least now I'm doing exercise because I enjoy it rather than to burn calories. Honestly, I am so deeply in love with running and kickboxing right now. If only I could do it more often than I do! I've been sore a lot lately.

Because I don't like being a negative nancy for too long... I went to the shops for retail therapy... and bought TWO new running shorts, THREE running magazines, and some other stuff. One of my pairs of shorts is fluro orange :D How do you spell fluro, because blogger says that's incorrect?

So one of my plans is to incorporate more HIIT into my training schedule... I'm just not sure where to fit it... this is another problem of mine. How do I fit in one week:

Running x 3  (at the moment just increasing mileage, but eventually want 1 x long, 1 x intervals in that)
Kickboxing x 3
Weights x 2
Swimming x 1 (I use this to work on my breathing / as a recovery)
HIIT x 1
Yoga x 1 (usually after long run day)
Rest day x 1

... That's 11 days worth of workouts! Unless I double up on four of those days, it doesn't really work. There's the all or nothing again... this is kind of what I did before I got my ED - running every day, kickboxing every night.

OK... / end confusing rant.