Tuesday, October 18, 2011

All or Nothing

This is somewhat of a "negative nancy" or "debbie downer" post *and there may be triggering material*, but I'm getting increasingly frustrated at several things. First, my perfectionist attitude. Last semester at uni, I got all high distinctions, and was upset because they were not 90% high distinctions, but 80%. This semester I know I can't get high distinctions and therefore I don't feel like putting the effort in. What's the point if I can't get the highest mark? I know I've already passed all my topics before the exams, so that motivation isn't there either.

Then I did a fitness test this morning. I got the exact same score for 2.4 km (1.6 miles) of 12:40 mins as I did last year, when I was way more unfit(?) and doing way less running... it just frustrated me, especially as I definitely did not hold back this morning!

Also this morning I weighed myself and I had gained 1kg (2 pounds) from last week. Which makes my BMI now 24.5. (Much too close to overweight category for my liking...) This is beginning to be a really irritating constant struggle for me. Gain, lose, gain, lose, gain, lose, gain... it's the same as maintaining, I suppose, but it's almost like... one week am I doing it right, and the next I'm not? Or is that just normal fluctuation of maintaining? Am I eating enough, too much? Am I exercising enough? What am I doing wrong? Sometimes I think... well, the only thing that has ever worked for me to lose weight has been eating disorders, so maybe I should just do that again. But then my rational brain takes over, and says hell no! No WAY am I going back to that.

Anyway, I know I've lost it healthily before, but that was before I had ever known about calorie counting. I think it's pretty difficult once you have calorie counted for a long time to stop. After all, even if you do stop, you still know the calorie, fat, carb content of the majority of the food you eat from counting it for so long. I've tried stopping so many times, but I can't help but still count in my head. Or I go the other way and eat way too little or too much.

It doesn't even seem to make a difference when I make small changes, like increase intensity of exercise slightly / amount, or eat slightly less, or eat slightly more. I've tried all these little experiments... the main one I did was eating at "maintenance" calories for a month or two - which made me gain two kilos (4.5 pounds) which I just cannot lose again (A really GREAT experiment that was.... :( )

Even when I went on that hike for a week last month, and did 30 hours of hiking in a week.. I lost nothing.

I should not be still obsessed with my weight, because I am supposed to be recovered. I mean, I'm not obsessed the way I used to be... but I think it's just hard the days I weigh myself more than anything. At least now I'm doing exercise because I enjoy it rather than to burn calories. Honestly, I am so deeply in love with running and kickboxing right now. If only I could do it more often than I do! I've been sore a lot lately.

Because I don't like being a negative nancy for too long... I went to the shops for retail therapy... and bought TWO new running shorts, THREE running magazines, and some other stuff. One of my pairs of shorts is fluro orange :D How do you spell fluro, because blogger says that's incorrect?

So one of my plans is to incorporate more HIIT into my training schedule... I'm just not sure where to fit it... this is another problem of mine. How do I fit in one week:

Running x 3  (at the moment just increasing mileage, but eventually want 1 x long, 1 x intervals in that)
Kickboxing x 3
Weights x 2
Swimming x 1 (I use this to work on my breathing / as a recovery)
HIIT x 1
Yoga x 1 (usually after long run day)
Rest day x 1

... That's 11 days worth of workouts! Unless I double up on four of those days, it doesn't really work. There's the all or nothing again... this is kind of what I did before I got my ED - running every day, kickboxing every night.

OK... / end confusing rant.


  1. The main thing is that your enjoying working out and not using it as a way to burn calories!
    I hope that your able to work out a way to fit all the workouts you want to do.

  2. I'm sorry you're struggling! I think it happens to us all at some point, but we just have to turn it around and do what works for us. Retail therapy always makes me feel better too :) especially running magazines and cool shorts!

  3. @cheesymiteapples true, I should just be happy with that! Being healthy should be my main focus. It's hard though!

  4. I think it's normal for your weight to fluctuate, especially when you've not been at a stable weight for a while.
    The same thing happened to me and in the end I decided that I was about right and I should ditch the scale. I now only get weighed when I go to see the nurse (twice a year) and I gauge my size by my clothing. I've put on about 4lbs in a year (which I'm pleased with), but I'm sure that there was a lot of up and down within that.

  5. When I work out, I tend to schedule my week like this
    1: Long run
    2: Strength (full body) & gentle yoga
    3: HIIT
    4: Strength (full body) & walk
    5: Run & yoga/walk or REST
    6: Strength/Run & yoga
    7: Power yoga & easy/short run or REST

    Trying to fit everything in is tough!

  6. I think it's really normal to fluctuate. The time of day and the time of month can both have an impact on the numbers on the scale. It's hard for me to offer any advice, because I don't have a history of ED, so I can't really know what you're going through. But my thoughts are with you! You're strong...don't give in to those obsessive thoughts. Perfection? It's totally overrated and boring.